The Reader’s Digest


Why doesn’t the “Spirit of Christmas” last all year long? Because within a week, we are slapped in the face by those blasted New Years Resolutions. It seems to me that we should start our resolutions at the beginning of August when it’s too darn hot and we’re all in a bad mood anyway. 

Every year I make my list of resolutions. Some I keep, some I don’t. But there’s always one that’s recurring – lose 15 (okay, maybe 20) pounds. I’ve gained and lost hundreds of pounds through the years just trying to keep this one resolution.

Be that as it may, the diet battle is once again at the top of my list. In the overall scheme of things, this shouldn’t be hard to accomplish. But it is. 

So this year I’m trying something completely new. Instead of actually following any of my 27 diet books, I’m customizing my diet with the brilliant plan of combining all the knowledge in this mountain of books. I’m going to eat them. 

Now I know what you librarians out there are thinking – she’s a high fiber cannibal! She’s eating books! Books are sacred! Books are knowledge! Books are our legacy! 

I understand your misgivings. But I bought and paid for these books with my hard earned cash. I followed their plans and nothing worked. Rather than selling them to some other diet sucker for 25 cents each so they can exist on someone else’s bookshelf, I feel my plan is much more humane.

Here’s a typical day on my new diet: 

Gently rip two black and white pages from a paperback diet book. Coat in I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray and toast until golden brown. Mix with Southwestern Egg Beaters for a delicious, low-cal version of Migas. (After week two on the diet, add a lightly grilled book cover as your tortilla.) 

Morning Snack
Neatly cut out the author’s photograph on the dust jacket and chew it slowly. 

Take four color pages from a large, hardback diet book. Rip into lettuce-sized pieces, rinse and freeze for 30 minutes. Remove from freezer and toss with your favorite no-fat, no-calorie, no-taste salad dressing. Sprinkle with lemon juice. Serve on an extra small plate and eat slowly.

Afternoon Snack
Nibble on a dedication page from the book of your choice.

Rip out enough pages to make a serving about the size of a deck of cards. Coat with olive oil and bake or broil. Season to taste. Accompany with a smaller version of the Lunch Salad (see above) and some steamed broccoli.  

Take two recipe pages from your favorite diet book. Cut into small squares and coat with 75% pure Cacao chocolate and eat slowly. Never eat or read after 7 p.m. 

Of course, no diet is successful without exercise. I’ve got that covered, too. I’m going to box up ten of my heaviest diet books and carry them around the house all day long.

When you see me about town munching on a book, please have the courtesy to tell me my face looks thinner. Who knows, I could actually be on to something. The idea is starting to sound rather tasty to me.  

If my new diet plan is successful, you might even catch me one day in The Reader’s Digest promoting my new book, Eat this Book: The Quick Way to Lose 15 (okay, maybe 20) Pounds.

Editor’s Note: This is my column for the week. Since I’m out of town, the rest of the week will be past New Year’s Resolutions columns to help you figure out yours. Happy New Year!

Spreading laughter throughout the year…one day at a time.

Mikie Baker


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One Response to “The Reader’s Digest”

  1. Forrest Landry says on :

    Ummmm, Mikie, I’ve found that too many color pages at one sitting can cause some extended sitting with loose results. Maybe I’m just allergic to red ink, but wanted to let you know what my experience was.

    The Friends of the Library sale at Kerrville’s Butt-Holdsworth Library is a Superb source of grocery items. Altho most of those are a tad older, so tossing some tofu in (get the Firm, freeze, chop into bite-size pieces and cook like chikn) and that’ll keep your protein requirement up to snuff.

    Deepest Thanks for this expose of the diet book scam. Just watch out for tomes printed on chunky newsprint – BOY! That can HURT later!!

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