This is my column from last week. If you have an idea for a funny App, simply click the comment button below the headline and leave your idea. I’ll pick 3 lucky winners to receive a Gone Country Collection Mouse Pad – pictured at the right. It’s made out of Vynex and is super cool for the wireless mouse user. If you are related to me, an employee of the Bandera County Courier or a teenage boy who is eating your parents out of house and home, you are not eligible. And the judges are partial to rich, single, handsome men. Contest ends on April 15, 2011.

When I ran screaming from the noisy Big City to the peaceful country, I was searching for a simpler way of life. I got simple, alright – a dial-up computer connection and a cell phone with no signal. 

It took half a day to read four emails. If I went outside, stood by the third post on the porch, lifted my left leg and cocked my head to the right, I could get a sporadic cell phone signal. Even a simple five minute call could be painful. 

Luckily, technology followed me to the hills and now I have DSL and 4 bars. Life was just fine until they came up with unlimited data and an iPhone. Sure, my technology is finally all up to speed, but my brain isn’t. 

I see the ads on TV. Most recently I noticed one where the happy young couple, iPhones growing from their left hands, simply pushed a series of buttons and, “Voila!” they had dinner reservations, tickets to a movie and a new house. This was referred to as a “Super App.” 

Well, I’ve got news for you Steve Jobs. Why don’t you give me some Apps I can use? Then I might consider having an iPhone implanted in my left hand, too. Here’s my list of much-needed Apps for those over 50. 

Find My Car in the Parking Lot App
I know that I’m supposed to exercise more, but wandering through a parking lot with a full grocery basket does not The Biggest Loser make. Can’t I just push a button so that my car will honk and say, “Hello? I’m over here! Head south 12 cars and turn left then go over two aisles!”

Why Did I Walk Into This Room? App
I was going to get something in here, but what was it? I can push my handy App button and hear, “You were looking for your sunglasses, dummy, and this is the fourth room you’ve wandered into without figuring it out.”

Repeat What They Just Said App
Rather than saying “What did you say?” over and over, give me an App that helps me hear. If I still can’t understand it after my phone repeats the phrase several times, simply text it to me. After I find my readers, I’ll read it. 

Fix My Ache App
It seems more and more I wake up in the morning with some new ache. Might be a popping knee, a sore shoulder or the world’s worst Charley horse. Rather than limping to the medicine cabinet, why not just zap my pain away with an App?

Clean My House App
I’ve given up all hope on ever living long enough to see the invention of a robot that can clean my house. Scientists just make robots that can mow lawns. Evidently, scientists are all male. Steve, please give me an App that does windows, too.

The Perfect Man App
This is the button you push when you need the trash taken out, the sink fixed and a dozen red roses. Come to think of it, you could throw in the occasional romantic evening as part of what surely must be the Ultimate Super App.

Finally, Mr. Jobs here is the most important App of all:

The Hot Flash App
When any man within “App shot” says, “Why is the A/C down to 50 and the fan blowing on high?” you simply zap him with this App and he finally experiences what a hot flash is all about.

Yeah, give me an App for that.

Mikie Baker
www.mikiebaker.com