Far Away Eyes


Third grade math was an absolute delight to me. My teacher, armed with construction paper and a creative brain, taught us our times tables through motivation. She gave each of us a construction paper rocket ship with our name on it. Then she glued the nine planets (I still love you Pluto) on the black board and every time we learned a new set of times, we got to advance our rocket ships through the solar system.

Obviously I’m a visual person. I could hardly wait to get to 9 X 9 so I could be on Pluto. Guess that’s why he’ll always be a real planet in my heart.

So I loved my math class. I made straight A’s until one day I received a 76 on a test. My world was shattered. The teacher called my mother for a meeting. I was certain I was going to get kicked off the planet Earth.

The meeting involved something completely different. As the teacher explained to my Mother, “Your daughter had a bad test grade because she copied down most of the problems incorrectly. I think she needs glasses.” To which my sweet, loving mother replied, “That’s ridiculous. Nobody in our family has ever worn glasses.”

A trip to the eye doctor proved I couldn’t see the big E or even the wall.

Overnight I became a “four-eyes.”

I wandered around with coke bottle glasses until eighth grade when I stomped my foot, threw a hissy fit and demanded contact lenses. Looking back, they were insanely expensive. The going rate was $150 and that was big money in the sixties.

My mother swore that if I didn’t wear them from Day 1 without complaining, I wouldn’t live to “see” ninth grade. I swore on my favorite pair of shoes and off to the eye doctor we went.

He slapped a piece of plastic in each eye and I was hooked. I never looked back.

I wore “hard” contact lenses for 20 years. One day I went to the contact lense specialist and he suggested I switch to the latest technology – gas permeable lenses – so my eyes could breathe. I didn’t know they needed to, but I was game.

What happens when you stop wearing two pieces of stiff plastic and let your eyes get some air? Your vision changes dramatically. Every couple of weeks I was in there getting weaker lenses. As my eyes changed shape, my lousy vision got better and better. Not only could I see the wall, I could even read the third line down. I loved my new found sight.

Of course, all this was to correct my far away vision. As I aged, I found I needed readers to see close up. Back to the doctor and mono-vision was the answer; one contact for distance and one for close up. I was cross-eyed for weeks.

Three months ago, my eye doctor suggested that I try soft lenses. After 40 years of plastic in my eyes, I decided to give it a whirl. I’d like to report that over the last three months, I’ve not been able to see anything, I can’t get those floppy things in my eyes without several tries, and I’m a raving lunatic without a pair of readers on at all times. I can see clearly now that I cannot see. 

The doctor claims that by next month my eyes will have quit changing and I will be able to see a 7 point buck from a mile away. We’ll just see about that. Right Pluto?

Spreading laughter throughout the world…one chuckle at a time.

Mikie Baker

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5 Responses to “Far Away Eyes”

  1. Tracy says on :

    I started using reader glasses about 2 years ago. I just had to do the walk of shame up to the store counter and buy “cheaters” with much higher magnification last week. The good news is I look nerdier than ever!

    But, don’t worry Mikie. As I look in the the mirror in the morning with my new found sight, I sometimes wish I’d kept it blurry! 🙂 Chin up, and hopefully you and the SOG will soon see things clearer than ever. <3

  2. Tracy says on :

    PS I still protest that Pluto is a “Dwarf”. How rude!

  3. Forrest Landry says on :

    NOW you’ve done it! Gone and made a spectacle of yourself! Well, Young Lady! Are you Happy Now? Yea or Nay…ah, the Eyes have it. How about a good read? Here’s a copy of War and Peace, you’ll knock it out before dinner, I’m sure.

    Um, you didn’t get X-ray vision with those, didja? Huh? Maybe a cape?

  4. Medina Mikie says on :

    Wow I’ve now seen you’ve used every eye word in the book…except “I see,” said the blind man and he picked up a hammer and saw.

  5. Forrest Landry says on :

    Mikie, your resorting to cutting edge humor will merely astound your readers and bamboozle the competition. (hmmm, DOES Kinky have a blog? Or have his words all gone up in smoke?)

    Hammer down a couple of good points (watch yer thumb) and gimme another WUNDERBAR blog post. Girl, you’re Right On. I just wish there was a way to get away from these $600-a-pop glasses. Lasik will only cure part, but not the other two problems. Oh, well. I DO look distinguished in these.

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