Now I know why people write for a living. They’re afraid to work retail. Getting accustomed to customers is not for the faint of heart.

Recently, I joined the ranks of the gainfully employed. I chose a job where I could do what I love best – play with plants. I thought it was a mighty good idea to work surrounded by plants, caring for them and watching them grow.

The nursery who risked everything to hire me is a lovely place with thousands of beautiful plants which we tireless workers must keep watered. It sounds easier that it is. Texas is a very thirsty state.

While I water, I ponder life. Is there really a perfect man? Where did I leave my reading glasses? Has anyone ever seen a baby pigeon?

Unfortunately, my musings always seem to get interrupted by customers. And boy, are there some doozies out there.

So, as a public service to all you loyal readers, I’d like to explain the different kinds of customers I’ve encountered. It’s up to you to figure out which type you are. Hopefully, after you do, you’ll change.

On A Mission
Actually, this is the only possible way to be a good customer. A typical conversation with this type goes something like this:

ME: “Hi! Is there anything I can help you with?”
OAM: “Yes! I’m looking for a Venus Fly Trap. Do you have any?”
ME: “Well, I’m not sure as I’ve only worked here a week, but we don’t have any flies, so I bet we’ve got some around here somewhere. Let’s go hunt for a plant that bites.”

This happy customer buys what is needed and heads on so I can get back to pondering why Rod Stewart keeps marrying 26-year-old blondes. Is he in a time warp?

Entertain Me Please
This customer takes much more effort.

ME: “Welcome to the nursery! What can I do for you today?”
EMP: “Oh, I’m just looking. Does this plant freeze in the winter?”
ME: “Let me get my readers to see the tag. It’s hardy to 20 below.”
EMP: “Really? How about this pretty one over here? Say, did you know I had to quit drinking lemon water because my doctor says it’s making my scalp dry?”

This type spends the next hour dragging me around, perusing plants and telling tales of medicinal herbal teas, finding the perfect shrink and the last, ugly divorce. All the while, I wish drinking too much lemon water would have puckered up her mouth instead of her head.

Many Happy Returns
The horror of all customers.

ME: “Good Afternoon! We’re having a 25% off sale today. Ready to grab a bargain?”
MHR: “Why, yes! I’ll take this bird feeder, 3 bags of dirt, 4 blackberry bushes, a dozen herbs, 8 clay pots and that basket over there.”
ME: “Ma’am, that basket isn’t for sale. It’s where we keep our gardening tools.”
MHR: “Oh, I simply must have it. It’s adorable! How much is it?”
ME: “How about $37.50?”
MHR: “Fantastic!”

This type whips out her checkbook and writes out an enormous check while I carefully wrap each purchase in tissue and tote it all to her car. The next day she comes back and returns everything saying, “Nothing seemed quite right when I got it home.”

Next time she shows up, think I’ll sic a Venus Fly Trap on her.

While I water, at least I will no longer have to ponder what kind of person actually enjoys working retail. Obviously, it’s a writer who needs another funny story.

Spreading laughter throughout the world…one chuckle at a time.

Mikie Baker
www.mikiebaker.com