This world worries about the silliest things. The experimental hippies of the sixties have traded in their illegal drugs for Prozac and Viagra. I’m used to tuning out all the pharmaceutical commercials, but there’s a new series of commercials rolling into a frenzy with a few of my friends.

Seems the world turns around toilet paper these days. 

Have you seen the TV commercial where the husband yells down the hall to his wife? He says, “Hey babe, toss me a roll.” The first roll takes off part of his scalp, the second roll explodes in his hand but, luckily, the third roll is just right. 

Well first off, his wife either needs to learn to keep extra toilet paper rolls in the bathroom or she needs to announce, “I am no longer your toilet paper quarterback. Get it yourself and your hair won’t look like that.” 

Then there’s the lovely group of women standing all over a map of the United States claiming that we need to get serious and talk about what’s most important to us when dealing with toilet paper. Their complaints are endless and scare me. I didn’t know we had turned into adults who had Toilet Paper Dysfunction. Heck, there’s probably already a pill for that. 

Finally, for those cartoon character lovers out there, we have bears in the woods that dance and prance over their toilet paper. Last time I looked, toilet paper was not a State Park weapon of choice when you came face to face with a bear. Maybe that’s what they’ve been mad about all these years – having to use leaves while in the forest. 

Look, people, as far as I know there are only two uses for toilet paper. One is for the bathroom and the other is to toilet- paper a house. I’ve yet to have a toilet paper crisis unless it was the dreaded “I’m in a public stall and there’s no TP to be found!” Actually, it might be the best way I know to make friends with the pair of feet in the stall next to you. People are friendly that way. 

I guess the big issue that really has me all riled up is that some of my friends have commented on my brand of toilet paper. I grew up with the 1,000 roll wrapped in a perfect little paper container. The rolls came in white, pink or blue. Lovely, just lovely and the rolls lasted forever.

But there’s another camp that grew up with the 350 sheet roll that was soft as, well, a baby’s butt. One roll lasted less than a day and they were simply not the weapon of choice when toilet-papering a house. 

Recently when a dear friend came to visit for a few days, she brought her own toilet paper because she claimed mine was, “too rough.” Then it happened with another friend who complained about my brand. Maybe those TV commercials are working. 

My worry is the media have stirred up a controversy between the Soft and Hard toilet paper camps. Could this become as serious as our political system? Are we about to end up with a Pee Party? I certainly hope not. 

I don’t have a problem if you look through my bathroom cabinets when you’re in there; just don’t give me a lecture on my toilet paper, please. Just roll with the flow.

Spreading laughter throughout the world…one chuckle at a time.

Mikie Baker
www.mikiebaker.com