Though I’d much rather be considered the next Erma Bombeck, I’m afraid all I’ll ever be is just a lowly story teller. And I’m running out of stories to tell. 

Seems I’m in desperate need of some new nuts around here. Sure, The Siamese Terrorist a/k/a Sammy (No!) has moved in and is managing to rip this house to shreds one kitten attack at a time, but he only hisses. Kitten spitting does not a great story make.

Too many great characters have left my life. Dearly Demented Mom has gone on to that great Murder, She Wrote episode in the sky. The Teenage Eating Machine has flown the coop and now has to pay for his own pizza. Even Handsome Handy Man is being handy in a town nearly five hours away. 

Frankly, I’m starting to bore me. I haven’t talked to myself and then answered back in weeks. It’s gotten so dull around here; I can even remember where I put my sunglasses. 

So I’ve resolved to get out of this house more and go on an exhaustive search for a new cast of characters. Trust me; you’re out there. 

Knowing that one day a book or movie deal could be possible for your character, I’m sure many of you might be nervous about auditioning for me. Don’t let all that fame go to your head. 

As a public service, I’m happy to give you some ideas about what I’m looking for in great characters. Let’s dive right in, shall we? 

New Runnin’ Buddy
I haven’t been in trouble in so long; it’s no longer my middle name. I need a partner in crime. You’ve got to be funny, not care if my windows are clean and desperately need to lose 10 pounds. That way we’ll always have plenty of time to get into some real antics.

One Crazy Family
My small family unit consists of a cousin and a half-sister. They are fairly tame and not living in the vicinity. No, I’m looking for the Robert Earl Keen “Christmas with the Family” type. If you’re lucky enough to come from a family of all black sheep, I’d love to drop by for Thanksgiving dinner.

Somebody Else’s Kid
Know how fun it is to be a grandparent? After the weekend’s over, the kids leave and you can rest. That’s what I’m looking for. Just tell me your funny teenage story and hit the highway. I’m not going to feed you. I used up all my savings on loaded triple cheeseburgers for the Teenage Eating Machine. 

Batty Old Relative
Tired of Crazy Uncle Jethro? Old Maid Aunt Sylvia got you down? Send ‘em over. We can sit on the porch swatting flies and exchanging lies. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.   

Great Gossip Girl
People who gossip just love to tell a good story. Usually it’s part truth and part fiction. That’s just perfect for me. You don’t believe most of the stuff I write anyway, do you? 

Someone To Date
I’m looking for an STD. Wait, that’s not right. What I meant to say is I’m looking for Someone To Date. Actually, my needs are fairly simple. He needs to be upright and alive. Teeth would be nice, too. The casting couch is ready and waiting. 

So, get ready. Here I come. Just when you least expect it, I’ll be standing over your shoulder listening. No need to study your lines. Just be yourself. I know a great character when I see one. After all, it takes one to know one.

Spreading laughter throughout the world…one chuckle at a time.

Mikie Baker
www.mikiebaker.com