Remember those Christmas cards stuffed with yearly updates of long lost family members? Thought you might enjoy this holiday letter I received in the mail last week.

Family and Friends,

Well, it’s that time of year again! Here’s our annual yuletide Bluster family update. We think it’s even better than fruitcake!

Bucky and I are so proud of the kids. It’s been a really big year for them. In fact, Junior took second place in the catapult division of the Pumpkin Chunkin’ contest. How did he do it? Well, he practically worked non-stop in Bucky’s shop! Seems that after a year of pondering his modifications Junior came up with the brilliant idea of adding a much larger rock to his catapult contraption!!! He chunked that poor punkin’ an amazing 1,634 feet. That boy! I knew he was good, but I mean, can’t you just see him winning the whole thing one day?

And Lulabell has been driving us crazy! All she does is kick, kick, kick all day long. Ever since she saw those Rockettes last year on the boob tube, she’s convinced she can be one, too. We haven’t had the heart to tell her that she’s way over the age and weight limits. We’re still praying she’ll find her a nice man and move on out real soon.

Then there’s little Raynel. The warden said if he would keep the ankle bracelet on, he could come home on Christmas day! Bucky got so excited, he ran out and bought Raynel a new double ought shotgun for Christmas. I’m not so sure if that’s a good idea or not, but he didn’t use a gun when he stole those ATM machines, so maybe it will be okay. We’ll keep you updated.

Finally, little Ricky has been more than we can handle. I think he takes after his real dad – Rusty the mailman. (Don’t tell Bucky!) Anyway, he finally quit dressing up in Lulabell’s clothes and has taken to whitlin’. I’m telling you, you can’t believe what that boy can do with a stick!!! I’m sure he’ll make a fine cedar chopper one day.

We had a nice addition to our family this year. Bucky’s dad, Buck, moved in with us over the summer and we couldn’t be more excited! The doctor said it would be a good idea for him to only smoke outside because of his oxygen tank. Evidently, those things can explode! I’m not too worried about a fire though because Buck always has a beer in one hand and I’m sure that could douse the fire. I’m thinking about getting him and Bucky matching recliners for the back porch. I’m tired of them shooting at those deer through the screen door!!!

As for me, I learned how to make lard this year! Frankly, I made so much Bucky said our fridge was getting fat! Well, something had to be done, so I froze most of it. One day, it hit me like a ton of bricks! I could make Christmas ornaments out of the frozen lard!!! For those of you lucky enough to get one my creations, please don’t hang yours too close to the Christmas lights on the tree!!! You might end up with a mess, but at least your house will smell like fresh-cooked bacon!

Well, I’ve got to run. The men around here are making noises that they’re gonna shoot a hog for Christmas dinner. I’ve got visions of more lard in my future! ‘Tis the season!!!

Betty Bob Bluster

Spreading laughter throughout the world…one chuckle at a time.

Mikie Baker
www.mikiebaker.com