As we age, it seems we care less and less about new technology. We know we are turning into our parents, but we have a struggle they never had – a giant pile of sticky notes that contain all our passwords used to connect us to our internet lives. Personally, if I have to come up with one more password, I’ll underscore myself to death.

Why am I so worried about passwords all of the sudden? Somehow, when I wasn’t looking, new technology snuck up on me and I was surrounded. Rather than fight it, I decided it was time to embrace it once again. The only drawback – when you start adding programs and devices, you are forced to come up with new passwords.

And I certainly can’t remember the ones I already have. Why can’t I just scan my pupil with my personal devise? I bet that’s how James Bond remembers his. And can you imagine Angelina Jolie having to recall all her kids’ passwords? No wonder she knows how to use a machete.

I blame this whole password business on the article I read once that said, “Never, ever, I mean never, ever, ever use the same password for two different sites. The hackers will have your every last dime in 12 seconds. You won’t have enough left to pay attention and all of your clothes will suddenly go out of style.”

I’m sorry but I’m just not that clever anymore, so I have a request. Someone somewhere in the internet world fixed the “www” problem. You no longer have to type in “www” before the website address. How’d that happen? Who did it? I don’t care; I just need your help. Can you invent a chip I can implant in my finger so I’m fully encrypted and no longer in need of one, single, solitary password?

And while you’re at it, can you design me a Charging Station Recliner? All I will have to do is simply sit in my chair and it will recharge me so I’ll have as much energy as a 30-year-old. I could really use some extended battery life.

Recently a friend of mine mentioned that he had a “locked vault” on his iPad that contained all his passwords for everything. I scoffed and said, “But how do you remember the password for the vault? I can’t even remember the names of my children.” He told me he had his tattooed on a very “secure” location.

So last night as I struggled with one more new password, I sighed and headed to my dear friends for help. Via talking Google, who by the way does not remember passwords, I asked the App Store Gods what I should do. They answered back, “Now bless your heart. Get the Vault App, honey, and you’ll be just fine.” I swear my App Gods double as Sweet Potato Queens.

The not-quite-so-secure version of the app was free and that’s my middle name, so I downloaded it immediately. Once it finished, I clicked on the app, set up the only password I’ll need for the rest of my life, and added my first encrypted file – my bank account. Then I started thinking about all the other passwords I have. I realized I know very few of them, which means I will have to change all of them on three devices while recording each instantaneously in my vault. The thought of it was just too big of an underscore for me.

I turned off the iPad, headed for bed and dreamt with visions of _$#WF7&BB-@1 dancing in my head. The poor App Store Gods didn’t sleep a wink.

Spreading laughter throughout the world . . . one secure password at a time.

Mikie Baker
www.mikiebaker.com