Posts Tagged ‘Twilight Zone’

The Twilight Zone


Posted by Mikie Baker  |  No Comments »

I ventured out into the Medium City to take care of my car, Buck, and grab a haircut. I’m pretty efficient with my time (thank you Daddy) so I allowed myself the usual 45 minutes for Buck’s oil change and assumed I’d had a half an hour to kill before my haircut. Ford had different ideas. It only took 16.7 minutes for my oil change because there was literally no one else there. I felt like I had just entered the Twilight Zone. (I sure wish I could insert the theme song right here.)

With time to kill, I hopped back inside Buck and thought, “What is that one weird errand you need to run that you never have time for?” It hit me immediately, “Wally World!” Little did I know I was heading deeper into the Twilight Zone… (dudu dudu music here)

I took the back way and was at Wally World in record time. In between RV campers, I secured a dent-free parking space and headed on into, well, you know. (dudu dudu music here)

When those magic doors opened, a voice yelled out, “Ma’am! You came in through the exit doors. Next time would you mind coming in the entrance doors?” By the way, the doors are the same as they’ve always been, and it doesn’t make a rat’s you-know-what to which door you use. Odd, but I never saw anyone who belonged to that voice. (dudu dudu music here)

After I got through those doors incorrectly, I came upon two small gates that were never there before. I pushed one open, nothing weird happened, so I proceeded to my one mission: buy a can of Hunt’s Meatloaf Fixin’s because they only sell it at Wally World and on Amazon, where’s it’s $29.76 for a can. In Wally World, it is 98 cents.

Suddenly, a thought came to me. “I need a yellow flowering plant to go on my porch! I don’t have any yellow and if I don’t have something sickeningly sunny and happy, I just can’t go on.” (dudu dudu music here)

I began my hike to the Garden Center by dodging Walmartians, most of whom were firmly planted in the middle of the isle, texting Rod Sterling, I can only surmise. But soon I came upon a little older lady than me in her electric cart with the extra big basket. She was a bit of a speed demon, but I quickened my pace and caught up with her.

She was muttering. I said, “Excuse me, Ma’am?” She turned my way, all masked up as was I, and yelled, “Have you been vaccinated?” I said, “Yes, Ma’am”, to which she replied, “Well so have I! So why the hell do we need to wear these ugly masks?”

Before I could think of a pithy retort, I looked up and there was a giant army green robot floor sweeper thing beeping loudly and heading straight at her. I yelled, “Look out! I think the robot is going to hit you!” She said, “That damn thing is supposed to go around me!”, as she sat there motionless. (dudu dudu music here)

The robot began lurching and beeping and finally just gave up, made a real weird sound and simply shut down. She said, “See, I told you!” With that she ripped off her mask and made her get away. (dudu dudu music here)

I forgot about the yellow flowering plant, threw a dollar at the checkout lady and pushed those gates back open so I could escape the Wally World Robot Takeover. And then it occurred to me, that’s why they have those gates there after all – to keep the robots and Rod inside.

Just another day in the Twilight Zone. (dudu dudu music here)