When I woke up the other morning, my left eye was stuck shut. It appeared my new soft contact lenses blessed me with a massive eye infection. Two days later, my right eye joined in the fun and suddenly I couldn’t see to drive.

Luckily, I could still hear, so I called around and found one of those places that not only gives you two pairs of glasses for 99 bucks, but can produce them in an hour. I like cheap, instant gratification.

Stroke of Genius was kind enough to drive me to the Big City store. Upon our arrival, he took me by the hand and led me inside. A fuzzy sales girl wandered up and asked how she could help. I explained the situation.

“I need glasses and I need them now. I haven’t been able to see to pluck the hair on my chin in a week. I’m an old woman who doesn’t want to revert back to eight grade ugliness. Have you got some frames that will make me look like a Naughty Librarian?”

She guided me to a wall full of frames. I began the process of picking out something that, once again, was announcing to the world, “Hi! Old Four Eyes is back.” Talk about depressing.

Stroke of Genius was so helpful. I’d don a pair and he’s say something like, “Those make you look like you’re 85.” I tried on every pair in the store. Finally I spied some tortoise shell frames that made me look a bit younger – if I squinted just right. SOG agreed and then handed me a pair of sunglasses to try on. I slipped them on and he promised they made me look like Audrey Heburn. The deal was done.

I felt my way over to the counter to buy both pairs.

Evidently, this is when the salesman puts on the pressure. “Have fun picking out those frames, honey. Spend all day. No problem. But when you want actual lenses in there, you’re going to have to go through me.”

The $99 deal included two pairs of frames and plastic lenses. The wonderful sales person explained how I should add the $79 additional “no glare” option, glass lenses at another $179 and the special lenses that change from dark to light “automagically” for another $350. Funny how this blind girl could see the dollar signs right before her eyes.

I held my ground. I wanted to see for only $99. Even the manager couldn’t wear me down. Audrey Heburn the Naughty Librarian is one tough customer.

They did have the final say. Seems it was going to take two hours to make the glasses instead of one because of my “special eyes.” I agreed and headed off to the grocery store with Stroke of Genius as chauffer.

When you shop with SOG he tends to wander off. Normally that doesn’t bother me but since I was in a strange store and totally blind, I kept asking other customers to point me towards things like the meat department. Most people don’t miss an entire wall filled with beef.

Finally Stroke of Genius reappeared, led me out of the store and back to the wonderful world of sight. My new glasses let me see clear as a bell.

I’ve given up on soft lenses for awhile. I think I’ll take my four eyes and head to Tiffany’s. After all, that’s where Audrey loved to be seen.

By the way, I’ve found the Polish guy on the Internet and still trying to get him out of my iCloud. So sorry….

Spreading laughter throughout the world…even under Polish pressure on laugh at a time.

Mikie Baker
www.mikiebaker.com