Pharmaceutical companies have spent millions to convince Americans that “a pill can fix that”. Whether your bones are weak, your bathroom habits too frequent or your love life non existent, just pop a magic pill. Well, I’ve got news for you, Big Pill Boys; you’ve missed the most tragic malady of them all: the heartbreak of Electronic Dysfunction. 

If you’re like me, some new technological wonder snuck under your Christmas tree when you weren’t looking, resulting in your spending the good part of three days planted firmly on the couch trying to figure the blasted thing out. With your reading glasses on. 

When you finally explode, your teenage child strolls up, grabs your possessed electronic gizmo and makes it work perfectly in a nanosecond.

I’ve tried with all my might to fight Electronic Dysfunction, but it looks like I’m finally losing the battle. Take my latest cell phone, for example.

I called the humongous corporation that is in charge of my communication with the outside world. My contract was expiring so I was one of the “lucky ones” who got to upgrade to a fancy new phone for free after I paid money, filled out several forms and waited months to get my handy dandy rebate debit card.  Gee thanks. 

Anyway, I called the omnipresent 1-800 number and, after being on hold for an hour and fourteen minutes, was greeted by Cell Phone Robot. 

ME: “My contract is up and I’d like to upgrade my phone.”
CPR: “Great. For only $399, you can upgrade to the iPhone and I’ll throw in a $50 rebate.”
ME: “I was thinking more like a real simple one that doesn’t cost me any extra.”
CPR: “Simple? I’ve never heard that word before. What does it mean?”
ME: “It means all you can do with the blasted contraption is make phone calls. It doesn’t hook up to the internet, play funny songs or tell me when I’m supposed to clean out the garage.”
CPR: “I think you’ll need to visit one of our 6,932 locations for something like that.”

Click. 

So, dutifully, I headed to the Big City cell phone store where I was greeted by Technology Savvy Salesperson. I’m pretty sure he was popping electronic steroids.

TSS: “Good morning! Are you here to sign up for the latest version of the Blackberry which should be in our store next Tuesday?”
ME: “No, I want a phone that’s simple.”
TSS: “Simple?”
ME: “I know, you’ve never heard of the word. I’m looking for something that has big numbers and just makes phone calls; you know, like the princess phone I grew up with.”
TSS: “We don’t have anything like that.”
ME: “Okay, well just show me the phone that has the least electronic bells and whistles.” 

A bit dazed and confused, he led me over to the back corner of the store. TSS picked up a large, plain phone, dusted it off and handed it to me. I flipped it open, saw huge numbers that I could read without my glasses and announced, “I’ve got Electronic Dysfunction. I’ll take it.” 

At least I’ve bought myself two more years of the simple life with a rebate to boot. Unfortunately, the other day, I won a prize which showed up just in time for Christmas. It’s an iPod Shuffle which has something to do with the fact that I can avoid all human contact for days if only I’ll keep wearing the headphones. Hmm. Maybe it’s just a simple, transistor radio. Now where are my glasses and my little magic Electronic Dysfunction pill?

 Editor’s Note: This one is for all of you out there that got some new electronic gadget this Christmas.

Spreaking laughter throughout the world…one chuckle at a time.

Mikie Baker
www.mikiebaker.com