Let’s be honest. It’s been several weeks since the New Year. How many of you have already broken all your resolutions? Well I have not; mainly because I haven’t started mine. I decided the number one was unlucky for me, so I’d begin sometime in January when I finally got around to it.

Yesterday I got around to it, I think. 

My resolution is always the same. Lose 20 pounds – except for last January, when I actually lost 14.3862 pounds the year before and kept it off all year. Amazing how quickly those fat jeans sneak up on you. Make that fat genes.

Thankfully, yesterday I had a diet epiphany on the way to the Big City for my monthly food run. It went like this. “I look like an overgrown sweet potato in my jeans! I’m tired of having the circulation cut off at my waist! If one more person asks me if I’ve had artificial insemination, I’ll scream! Make a note to email Oprah – she can be my diet buddy.”

Quickly, I called Very Best Friend. She made me swear on George Clooney’s picture that for the next month if anyone offered me a casserole, anything deep fried or sugar laden I’d jog in the other direction for at least 15 minutes. She also made me promise to give up wine (sigh) for a couple of weeks. 

So, I did what any professional dieter would do – I spent $74.36 on fresh produce, $112.36 on fish and $294.85 on a large variety of non-alcoholic drinks. By the way, did you know that a red bell pepper costs more than a Big Mac? 

After dragging 47 bags into the kitchen, I spent the next five hours “prepping.” First I cleaned out the fridge so all my lovely diet purchases would fill the shelves.  As you serious dieters know, if the only items in your fridge are healthy, you’ll be forced to actually eat healthy.

My middle shelf now holds freshly trimmed celery, hand-cut carrot sticks, flower sculpted radishes and a variety of low fat cheeses, yogurts and fruits. Hmm, nothing enticing to eat on that shelf. The bottom shelf is full of liquid options since wine is no longer one. It includes decaf tea, cinnamon apple herbal tea, iced Chai tea, spicy V-8, low fat milk, a lone diet Dr Pepper and some new fangled Pomegranate Cranberry Lift fortified with anti-oxidants and laced with Prozac to keep me sane through my 20 pound quest. 

Finally, the vegetable crisper drawers are chocked to the brim with produce stored in little green bags guaranteed to keep vegetables fresh three times longer by preventing them from emitting ethylene gases; sort of like Beano for produce. 

Frankly, after spending hours in the kitchen, I was so exhausted I threw a large frozen pizza in the oven and grabbed a glass of wine and collapsed on the couch.

But alas, dear reader, food is only half the battle. The other half is exercise. Luckily I’m the proud owner of 21 exercise videos and a non-working VCR, the Wal-Mart version of a Bowflex gym that’s missing some hardware, a pedometer that falls off while I walk, a bicycle with two flat tires, a set of dumbbells (the Teenage Eating Machine and his best buddy) and a vicious, lying scale. Today I’m going to repair and set up all these gadgets. That’s exercise enough for one day.

And tomorrow I begin – right after I finish the last two and a half pieces of Godiva chocolate hidden in the pantry. After that, I’ll have no options left and will just have to resolve to begin my New Year’s Resolution. Oprah, are you ready?

Spreading laughter around the world…one chuckle at a time.

Mikie Baker
www.mikiebaker.com