Probably 20 years ago, during my Prime Buying Years, I made the mistake of getting on a catalog list. Suddenly, I was inundated with catalogs of every kind. They all went quickly in to file 13 – the trash can. 

I spent the next 10 years throwing away catalogs and I’m proud to say that today I am catalog free. But occasionally, one of those pesky little devils sneaks in my door.

When Very Best Friend came out for a visit the other day, she brought a catalog with her and announced, “Well here it is – the answer to all our problems!” All I could think was that she’d brought me a catalog of rich, single men.

Alas, she had not. Instead my eyes glanced down to see “As We Change” a catalog that claimed, “Anti-aging made easy!” As I flipped through this catalog, it was apparent their marketing department was targeting the Fifty Plus Woman who still had bucks to spend and a penchant for looking 39 forever.

Not me. I’ve earned every one of my wrinkles and I’m starting to get attached to my extra 12 pounds of belly fat.

I do feel it my civic duty, however, to share some of the catalog offerings with you women who are still trying to age gracefully. Let’s jump right in, shall we?

Every single item of clothing in the catalog slims you in some fashion. Bathing suits, clothes, undergarments and even night gowns to hold you in. There are “slimmers” in all shapes and sizes including one that runs from your neck to your ankles. I wonder if all the fat gets squished up to your neck so your wrinkles disappear.

It’s not cheap to appear slimmer. A typical “look 10 lbs. lighter in 10 seconds” outfit consists of a skinny tank tee, under a flowing “trapeze top” that you wear with “Slimfitters skinny pants”. The whole outfit is pretty dull, so you must top it off with blinged out sling back shoes. For a mere $270, you can look so slim that everyone will ignore your size and look at your fancy shoes. 

Isn’t it cheaper to just quit eating? 

Of course there’s anti-aging makeup of every kind guaranteed to give your face the look of a baby’s backside. But here’s one that really caught my eye. “Wrinkle correction without injections” that are silicone lifts worn inside your cheeks to reduce your laugh lines. I think I’ll buy them. If I wear them all the time I won’t be able to eat and I might have a shot at losing those 12 pounds.

They offer body pillows, panties with extra protection, bras of every shape and size, fancy bunion cushions and even a thing you sleep with on your neck so you won’t wake up with “sheet wrinkles” in the morning. Who am I trying to impress? The dog? 

But here’s my most favorite of all. “New Subtle Gas Neutralizers.” They “mask gas to maintain your dignity”. These handy little charcoal squares easily attach to your undergarments. 

Have you ever spent a Sunday afternoon watching football with a man? If he doesn’t care that he loses his dignity every 15 minutes while stinking up the room, why should you? I believe in equality of the sexes. 

So all you women out there who still suppose you can age gracefully knock yourself out with this catalog. It’s going in my file 13. I’m still waiting for the “Rich, Single Men” catalog to arrive in my mailbox.

Spreading laughter throughout the world…one chuckle at a time. Pray for DDM.

Mikie Baker
www.mikiebaker.com