Ah, Valentine’s Day. Flowers, candlelight and romance. Or as the commercials keep reminding us – perfume, chocolates and jewelry. Frankly, I need a new vacuum cleaner. Where’s the holiday for that? 

Of all our Americanized celebrations, I think Valentine’s Day is the one least likely to live up to our expectations. St. Patrick’s Day will always find people wearing green. July 4^th consistently includes fireworks unless there’s a burn ban and then it’s too hot to be outside anyway. Thanksgiving? You’d be hard pressed not to find a fine turkey dinner. 

Maybe it’s because Valentine’s Day is just for couples. In my world, that requires a smoking hot man with deep pockets. Trust me; those are hard to come by. I know a psychologist would tell me I don’t need a man – only a box of Godiva and a good chick flick. I totally disagree. I need male adoration.

Surely, if I was hypnotized and my subconscious studied, the psychologist would find I was scared for life in third grade when I didn’t get a Valentine in my hand-decorated brown lunch sack from that cute little redheaded boy in my class. Other boys gave me Valentines but none of them had red hair. Seems the holiday has had a hard time of keeping up with my expectations ever since.

I wonder how much I’ve spent investing in online dating services in a desperate attempt to have some kind of a boyfriend on Valentines Day. It has probably cost me much more than buying my own box of Godiva and renting a chick flick. 

Still, I’ve had some memorable Valentine’s Days. When I was a senior in high school, my redheaded boyfriend (always on the prowl for a red head) showed up at my door with a lovely long stemmed red rose and a romantic card. Problem was, his best friend showed up with him and gave me another red rose and an identical card. They were signed appropriately “From the One” and “From the Other One.” I still don’t know what to make of that memory. 

Then there was the time that my less-than-romantic husband sent a gorgeous flower arrangement to my office. All the girls gathered round to “ooh and ah” over the flowers and hear the loving thing he had written on the card. It said, “Thank you for your business. North Central Communications.”  Maybe it’s not the holiday I’m so disappointed in; maybe it’s just the cards! 

Through the years I’ve lowered my expectation for Valentine’s Day. At this point in my life, it would be a perfect day if I received a new iced tea maker and a cheap gold watch. 

I told Stroke of Genius I would like a fake gold watch for Christmas. I made this request very easy on him because I had several cheap watches that simply needed new batteries. He bagged them up in a lunch sack labeled “watches” and headed to town to have them repaired. Somewhere in the giant superstore, he put the sack down. It was never to be seen again. Now I’m down three non-tickers.

Two weeks ago, he broke the pot that goes to my iced tea maker. For those who drink coffee, think of the panic that ensues when you crack your coffee pot. Though SOG promised to fix the problem post haste, I’ve been drinking lousy tea for days. 

Forget the sentiments and flowers, men. Give the ladies the present of just keeping true to your word. They’ll love you for it. And don’t forget the box of Godiva.

 Spreading laughter throughout the world…one chocolate at a time.

Mikie Baker
www.mikiebaker.com