No matter which generation you are from, one fact remains eternal. Men are men. Women are women. No getting around it.

Back when the Teenage Eating Machine was born, I decided I would raise him differently than all the other boys. No guns or swords. He would be a peacemaker.

Yeah, right. By the time he turned one, he was using a stick as a sword. By the age of two, he managed to extend his thumb and forefinger to shoot everything in sight with his “gun.”

My peacemaker dream was shattered by built-in hormones. I wanted a girl to go shopping with, anyway.

So, to my delight, when Handsome Handy Man invited me over for a visit, he and his 9-year-old daughter had been searching high and low for the perfect white confirmation dress. They weren’t having any success and I could see the frustration in HHM’s eyes. I said, “No worries! Let’s go shopping!”

I call Handsome Handy Man’s daughter, Miss Diamond Em. I gave her a rather large, fake diamond necklace sometime back and she still prances around in it. When a young girl loves diamonds, you know shoes are never far behind.

In the car I decided it might be time to have a “girl talk” with her about the facts of life. I figured now was as good a time as any. So, as we were walking into the Lotsa Clothing Store, I looked down at MDE and said, “Sure hope The Shopping Fairy is with us today!” She looked up, scoffed and said, “What’s a Shopping Fairy?”

Now ladies, you know this is a very sticky topic. If you say the wrong thing, you could warp a young girl’s mind. Someday, she might end up looking for a prom dress at Dollar General.

I gulped and took my best swing at an answer. “The Shopping Fairy is a magical force that shows up during a shopping trip. You know she’s there when you find the perfect dress and matching shoes.”

She scoffed.

When we finally discovered the only four dresses in the store that were all white, she looked up, frowned and said, “I don’t like them. They’re all too poofy.” Frankly, she was right, but to appease the male in the group, I made her try them on. Shopping rule #1: Never take a man clothes shopping. Still, if he’s attached to his credit card, what’s a girl to do?

Miss Diamond Em shuffled off to the dressing room alone. This breaks Rule #2: Always take another woman in the dressing room with you. Finally she reappeared in one of the dresses. As she walked over to us Dressing Room Door Stalkers, I looked down and noticed she had on one blue sock and one white one. This 9-year-old fashion statement made the dress look even worse. Poofy was definitely not her style. We headed to the second store.

Luckily, that store had so many dresses; she had a hard time picking one out. It came down to two, one of which was very conservative. The man with the credit card loved it. The other dress was covered in silver sparkles and a might playful for a serious church ceremony.

As they grumbled with each other over a selection, I announced, “The Shopping Fairy is with us! We’ll let the shoes decide!”

The matching shoes turned out to have sparkly diamonds all over them. Handsome Handy Man couldn’t fight The Shopping Fairy, so he produced the credit card for the sparkly dress and shoes, silently understanding his daughter had learned the real facts of life. Sparkles are better than guns.

Miss Diamond Em

Spreading Laughter throughout the world…one chuckle at a time.

Mikie Baker
www.mikiebaker.com