I know. I know. My Dearly Departed Demented Mom would never allow this topic in polite conversation, but I’m going to go ahead and ask it anyway. What is it about toilet paper?

Last year, at this time, we were standing in line to grab a four pack of toilet paper shipped in from a third world country. We didn’t care. We just needed it because the hoarding had begun. We were admonished to our homes for six weeks and we demanded toilet paper! Sounds like we’re a pretty cushy group of Americans who can’t live without the internet or, well, giant rolls of 2-ply.

In fact, I remember a day when I stood at the very back of a Dollar Store with a mob of people when a rather big, burly employee announced, “The truck just pulled up at the back door and we’ve got toilet paper!” The crowd lurched forward with a resounding “Hooray!” One guy even yelled out, “one ply or two?” As I gazed upon all those excited faces, I realized no one really cared.

The Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020 left me scared. To this day, I still round the corner to the Paper Products isle at my HEB and say a little prayer, “Oh please Lord. Let there be Mega Roll Extra Soft Charmin!” I’m telling you, I’ve got TP PTSD.

And I haven’t seen a container of Clorox wipes in over a year. That’s gonna leave a scar.

But back to the problematic toilet paper. I’m mad at it. How can I be made at an inanimate object? Excuse me, but ladies have you ever been mad at a bra? I rest my case.

Seriously, how can anyone be mad at extra soft, extra fluffy, guaranteed to leave you clean, magical paper like that? I’ll tell you why. I’ve got my reasons. If you’ve put up with me this far, just roll with it.

Reason One

The toilet paper commercials are stupid. Why do bears dance with glee when their cubs hardly use any paper and are still super clean? I’ve never seen a human act like that. And why bears? Is it that bear-in-the-woods thing? Well, there aren’t any toilets out there. Give the cub a diaper and let’s move on.

Reason Two

Is it just me, or is it hard for you to do the math on the various types of toilet paper rolls? These 12 rolls really equal 36 rolls! Really? 36 rolls of what? It’s either 12 or 36, isn’t it?

Reason Three

Why don’t you fit my toilet paper holder anymore? You’re two inches less wide than you used to be but you’re fluffier/softer now and a new roll scrapes against the wall. What bright engineer came up with this idea?

Reason Four

Why does 24 Mega Rolls cost $24.97? Isn’t that more than a buck a roll? Corn cobs area cheaper. Too bad they’re so hard to find.

Reason Five

What if we run out again? Should we go ahead and add a TP She Shed to hoard more? Are there recipes for things like the toilet roll casserole for those times when there’s nothing on the grocery store shelves?

Reason Six

Why do we even need toilet paper commercials? Ok, I mean if there’s something really new like the toilet roll smells like lavender, that actually might appeal to a few women that have never married, but the rest of us know any man can destroy the smell of any bathroom.

So, there you have it! I’m mad at an inanimate object. Think I’ll grab a magazine, head to the nearest outhouse and ponder my bathroom humor.