Boy, have I missed you, dear readers. I’ve taken too much time off from writing my weekly column on the absurdity of life. I’d say it’s time for a few good laughs again. Think I’ll just dive right in with some of my random thoughts.

Animal Cruelty

Can somebody please call that insurance company that has that emu/ostrich thing as a spokes animal and tell them that their commercials just aren’t funny? The camel hump day commercial was funny. The woodchucks chucking wood are funny. A paranoid bird is not. It doesn’t matter how many millions of times they remind me I only pay for what I need. I do that anyway. And what I need is Godiva chocolate.

Dating in the 21st Century

Why does my grocery store keep asking me if I found everything I need as I checkout? Might I suggest they have a rover or two in the store wandering the aisles asking me what they can help me find? Wouldn’t that make more sense? I’ve gotten so sick of that infamous checkout question, that I always reply, “No I did not find everything I needed. There were no rich single men on aisle seven.”

I’m the Cat’s Meow

I’ve turned into an orchid addict. It’s all the nursery’s fault. They keep putting paltry, half-dead orchids on sale for a dollar, okay maybe three dollars, or possibly five and I just can’t seem to pass those poor babies by. I’ve already “saved” eight of them. My only excuse is it’s better than eight cats. Then I’d be that old lady with all the cats. Now I’m simply that almost-old-lady who can still grow gorgeous flowers and takes the occasional nip of Miracle-Gro.

The AARP Life

Why have I started making noises when I stand up? Sometimes I groan, sometimes I sigh, sometimes I holler. Why does a noise give me the ability to stand? I’m starting to sound like I did on a “good” night in my twenties…

Why They Invented Yoga

They say a dog is man’s best friend. But they never mention what two dogs are, much less three. Three’s a mob – no; maybe three is just a twelve-legged, hairy monster brat who’s only mission is to make sure to trip you. Or maybe my balance is a bit off because I may have been hitting the Miracle-Gro a little too hard.

The Big Round Up

Why do weeds grow better than the vegetables in my garden? I fuss over every single plant I put in the ground – I talk to it, fertilize it, even play music on occasion. When the hyped-up motorcycles cruise by, I cover my precious vegetable plants little stamens, so they won’t suffer hearing loss. Frost or hail? All the plants are secured and ready to take on the storm. But the weeds, I totally ignore them, and they take over my garden. So why don’t we just eat weeds instead? They require no attention and grow anywhere – just like my waistline.

Deer Control

How did my eyelashes get this old? If I use the regular mascara on these babies, it looks like I’m not wearing mascara. If I use the lash extraordinaire guaranteed to last a week and give me the most luscious lashes ever, I get big, black circles under my eyes making me look like David Bowie on a bad day. The latest offering I’ve tried is called Baby Doe Eyes or something like that. It’s okay, but male deer have started cruising by the house trying to give me the eye. Oh well, maybe they can eat all my weeds while I sit on the porch sipping my Miracle-Gro.